Would you be proud?

We moored on the 'battlefield moorings' yesterday, near Bosworth field where Richard lost to Henry Tudor and 1000 men died during this fight for power and the future direction of England. It was an amazingly peaceful place, considering the blood soaked ground. At least it was until Bonny spotted her first (of many) horse riders. She has no problem with horses, but put a human on their back and she becomes hysterical with terror.

She barked off and on all afternoon and then topped it off by escaping from the boat, running down the embankment and onto the road to front up to a horse and rider. Fortunately both were forgiving and she didn't get squashed by a car or kicked by the mare! I, as usual, felt so embarrassed to be such a rubbish dog owner.

However, that is not the reason for the title of today's driveling. Radio 4 this morning asked an interesting question: If you when you were a 17 year old could meet you as you are now, would your 17 year old self be proud of who you are now?

I thought about it on my morning walk. At 17 I had little confidence in myself and no belief in my value as a human being. I believed that I was unloveable and that the only way of obtaining some self esteem was by doing well at college and then in a job and above all, in finding a man who would marry me.

I am now 55 years old and I believe my 17 year old self would be delighted by who I have become. I no longer have to work for self esteem, I know who I am and what my value is and I like myself. I no longer have to prove myself or compare myself to others. As far as being unloveable, well that's a work in progress. I have never found anyone to marry me or give me children and my family aren't close. I struggle to make deep relationships with more than a handful of friends. But I am coming to terms with that and I can say now that I love myself and that will do.

I do love my dog very much and so, since she wasn't happy on the battlefield mooring, we moved just an hour and a half up the canal to a horse free area, where we can rest and recover.